bedbugsofparis

confessions of a film school drop out. squared.

2007-01-16T03:34:35Z

everything i do or say i imagine would be in a movie. my brain has been morphed that way because of my unhealthy love of film. i find myself sometimes on the outside looking in. more times that i can count i have flashbacks of moments in my childhood, mostly triggered by smells or sounds, even the weather. it kills me that i am inevitably damned. i cannot persue the one thing i want to persue. i had the resources in front of me, but i screwed them up. and then i was one of the lucky few that had a second chance, and i was shot down by finances. i wish, i fucking wish, i could be able to go to school and enjoy myself because im doing something i love. im tired of waking up feeling worthless, old, and a failure. no one believes in me, and their disbelief is beginning to rub off on me. all hope in my future is lost and im only 20. im only 20. most would say im young and i have my future ahead of me, but me.. i dont believe that. i swore that i would do something with myself by the time im 21. i have 7 months. 7 months to begin or end the rest of my life. i hate stress and i hate what its done to me emotionally and physically. there are so many people in the world dealing with worst. and here i am fretting over petty problems. but their not petty to me. and im beginning to think im not mentally stable.

bedbugsofparis @ 2007-01-12T01:17:00

2007-01-12T07:17:44Z

im in love with an impossible love.

We've come a long way baby.

2006-11-13T08:03:16Z

wow, its been awhile since ive written in here. but as i lay here counting how many hours until i wake up, i find myself actually procrastinating sleep. i guess its my mentality, because i think the less sleep i get before i wake up means the more energized ill be in the morning. which is true, for the first four hours. then i slowly lose energy throughout the day. ive been to the doctor and shes given me muscle relaxers. most people would be thrilled to be prescribed such, but me-- i dont think a pill is what i need. i want to find out why i have the pain and solve it for good. but with doctors now-a-days all they want to do, all they know to do is to give you a pill. so what can you do without an md. nothing. lately consists of mostly school and work. i have class at 7am tomorrow. my monday wednesdays and fridays consist of class at 7-8 sleep in car until 9:50 (so as not to lose my parking space.) class 10-11 then work until 4 or 7 and then when i get off i finally eat something or not. and smoke cigarettes, watch tv and go to sleep. i lead an exciting life let me tell you. i have gone to the bonham a couple times this past month. its a gay club here in san antonio. very interesting. i rarely see attractive boys there, but when i do, i realize theyre gay and cry a little inside. victorias secret is shes a nazi. im beginning to hate working there. wait, beginning? let me change that. i really dont like working there. but im too lazy too look for another job. thats my fault.

its really strange. lately ive been thinking a lot. really maudlin thoughts. about how my mothers going to die. shes not sick. but one day she is going to die. my mother is 62. and im 20. im not in a relationship, nor do i plan on being in one for awhile. so im fearing that shes going to miss some of the biggest milestones in my life. if i ever graduate college, get married, my first child. i mean at this rate, because i dont want any of those things minus graduation i feel as if shell miss it. and that scares me. and have you ever been experiencing something and stopped to think.... this is nothing but a memory. because thats all ive been thinking lately. im really getting weird. i need to get out more.

long entry completed.

bedbugsofparis @ 2006-08-22T14:33:00

2006-08-22T19:34:33Z

i want to be the girl that changes his life.

bedbugsofparis @ 2006-08-13T19:40:00

2006-08-14T00:43:21Z

why is it the people i find the most annoying and am unable to tolerate,
are always the ones that end up leading the life i want.
do i have to be annoying and throw away everything i am to be happy?

oh yeah,
and texas weather makes me physically sick.

What's the use of saying fuck you, if I'll never fuck you.

2006-07-23T02:19:51Z

evelyn and i got an apartment.
exciting.
its pretty.
24 hour hot tub.
woot. woot.
i saw street to nowhere wednesday.
it was awesome.
we saw them again in austin on friday.
i bought the cd.
$10 well spent.

how charmingly awkward.

ive got a message for you...

2006-07-11T02:26:40Z

falter is the newest band for me to call my addiction.
i never write in here, but sheer boredom has pushed me to my breaking point.
not a lot is going on.
im still sleeping in the corner of evelyns room.
im still working at victorias secret for a shitty amount of money.
tomorrow im apartment shopping with evelyn and hopefully we find something to our taste.
i havent talked to my mother unless it envolved asking for money.
me and evelyn drove to houston texas for a show.
and we sat around for four hours before they played.
and they played four songs.
i wanted to kill myself.
the show was at a coffee shop.
and all the kids were fighting to take turns to check their myspaces on the computer.
i wanted to kill myself.
now that im 70dollars cheaper and three days later...
nothing else much to report.
other than the fact that i miss going to shows,
and having a sincerely good time.

--misery loves company, wont you join me?